Posted by: Anna | October 29, 2010

A softy

When I was young, I was pretty rebellious.  I didn’t want to be the norm, be anyone’s norm or fit it the norm. I wanted to excel, and I would do it young and mean if I had to.

I got through college that way, fairly alone with two great friends, since leaving LA with my family and attending ASU. I didn’t need a huge group of friends in AZ because I always thought I was going to move back to LA after college.

Instead I landed a PR job that paid no money, but I loved the company what they stood for at the time, and I risked it, went with my gut and took the job.

I was happy and working hard and long hours.  I was a young woman, 21 years old, landing a fantastic job right out of college. A year later I earned a pretty decent bonus and pay increase.

What I should have done is save every single penny for the future. But at 22, no way, I was living it up, having done my work in college, it was time to play.  I ended a 3 year long relationship with my college sweetheart because in my gut I knew it was not meant to be, and I don’t do things usually that doesn’t feel right.

I was known as fierce, serious and bitchy.  At 5’1 and about 102lbs at the time, my coworkers were afraid of me.

Seriously, afraid of me? Yeah.

Fast forward a year and I meet a man, who I think is great and I end up pregnant.

At the same time I end up with the biggest broken heart and spirit one can imagine and would not wish on anyone. 

As quickly as I became pregnant, I quickly became a single mom.  For me, becoming a mother, accepting that I was about to become a mother never freaked me out.  Well the surprise of it did, but the actual baby in my belly, Joey was loved the instant I knew he existed.  And my love was going to supply everything and anything my kid would need. Period.

My parents felt the exact same way.  Now at twenty three, they chose to be my support group one hundred percent.  And the times that they were with me throughout my pregnancy with Joey, those are times I cherish and will never forget.  It’s a love like theirs that allowed me to focus on my son and doing the best I could.

The obstacles that faced me, the emotional turmoil that I went through, I was prepared since I was pretty thicked skinned. What I wasn’t prepared for was softening it up, and people took notice.

I had people at my job at the time, be extremely affectionate and tell me how awesome it was that I soften so much since my pregnancy.  I became approachable.

Which, I guess having a bulging belly makes a woman approachable.

Then when I had Joey, well forget it. He was the sweetest thing that ever existed. And it was just him and me.  I would love picking him up, I would love to nurse him and coo him back to sleep.  It was the most amazing feeling.  And though I lived with my parents, I didn’t require their midnight shifts, those were my favorite. There were even times when (now you have to know I can’t see without my glasses, I have horrible eyesight) I would change Joey’s diaper, it was so dark and I was tired, and the pee all over my face would wake me up.  It would crack us up.

Joey was born knowing that I loved him.  He was born the sweetest most affectionate child that eventually let me open my heart to others and smile more.

I honestly think, that if it wasn’t for Joey’s sweetness I wouldn’t of allowed myself to love a man like I do today.

A mother loves her child unconditionally, meaning, there is really nothing your child can do to make you stop loving them.  You just love.

Today, when I dropped off Joey at school, a mother approached me and cooed about Joey and how sweet he is.  Then in Spanish she continues to tell me how my son is the sweetest little boy she knows and how she can tell that I have a strong character and am a hard ass.  She continues by saying, “Usually, with people like you, God gives you something to soften your heart.”

Ouch.

Because of people like me?  Coming from a woman who doesn’t know me. I am a hard ass, because in my life I have been taken advantage of, and in order to protect your baby you have to be a hard ass.

And when I met Brandon and fell in love, that man has melted my heart.  Watching him interact with Joey, play with him, sing with him, and dance with him.

Let me tell you, there are few men like him that exist.  And everyday I’m huge softy, because their interactions bring me to tears.

The bitchy hard ass is now the softy who typically cries about just about everything.  But they are all happy tears.

The best boys ever

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Responses

  1. I stumbled upon your blog and whew, I must say, you and I sound very much alike with our personalities. I was reading blogs as my husband and I are thinking of having a baby and I wanted to hear responses from mothers on how much a baby has changed their life, good and bad. Your blog is great! Thank you for opening up your life so that others may too.


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