Posted by: Anna | February 19, 2010

It was one of those mornings today

In real life I am a very outspoken person.  People think I am very easy going, positive and very happy.  I am very happy, just so you know.  Genuinely happy. One of my favorite things to do is dance and laugh.  Dance and laugh with Joey also.  People also think that I am built of steal, which let me share with you a secret.  I am so not made of steal.  I love a challenge.  But, I have a challenge getting ready to attack that challenge.  I know it doesn’t make any sense.

For example, I love taking pictures.  I LOVE photography.  Although, I haven’t had a working camera in about a year now!  And I feel like I forgot to use a damn SLR camera.  So I have been shopping around for a camera and I think I found one, but because I have this little pain of “What if I suck and I just spent all this money on this beautiful camera?” I haven’t bought the damn camera in two weeks after deciding! I think I am having an anxiety attack now!

Example two, you know if you read this blog at all, here, here and here, that I love fashion.  Like, love fashion.  You know that I read tons of magazines and I actually study the photographs and style.  YET, when it comes to me getting out of my element and actually purchasing skinny jeans and stuffing them into my awesome boots that I have yet to wear, there it goes again, that little voice in the back of my head, “You are going to look like a dumbass looking all hip.”

Something is wrong with me.  I am very cool about doing stuff but the minute I actually jump out of my element and PAUSE, shit, I have lost control.  This is where I am currently.  I have so many goals in life and dreams, and a few very specific for myself that because I have paused, shit, the pause has taken a few weeks.

And let me tell you, it was this morning that I realized that this anxiety was getting to me, it crept up out of nowhere because I had a massive headache and need for an ice coffee, extra large please.   

I felt a little bad too, because whenever I feel overwhelmed, I have to be very careful how I go about expressing myself.  I have Joey.  And I am not about to burst into flames for him to witness.  Shed a tear, yup, a tear or two.  But when he says, “I sorry mommy” for something he really had no control over, the two tears become a disgusting sob from me.  Don’t worry, that didn’t happen this morning.  And it really never happens because Good God I know I have some self control, (Which by the way the self control does not include chocolate, fried food, make up buys and reading a lot).

So this weekend my plans are to finally buy the camera, I am going to call it an impulse purchase (even though I have been researching for a month and have decided on it two weeks ago), and buying skinny jeans! Plus, we have some major plans to go see some horses, so damn right I am getting myself a camera.

Now I feel better, kind of. Whoever said venting didn’t help never vented while drinking an iced coffee extra large and fried chicken. (okay, not fried chicken).

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