Posted by: Anna | September 23, 2009

To all the hardwork Mommies do

First time moms always worry more. Or that is what I have always been told.

The first day I brought Joey home was one of my toughest nights with him. Being a single mom, I was prepared for what I had to deal with, but I was not prepared for the emotions I encountered. I was so upset with JB for leaving me alone with Joey that first night. Joey cried almost all night. And because I lived with my parents, I felt horrible that we were keeping them up. Of course, they felt different. My mom finally came to me and asked if I was okay. Which turned me into breaking down and finally crying. After one day alone I felt like a failure. I felt so sad that I could not comfort my baby. And even though grandma was there to help, I didn’t want help. My son and I deserved to be alone and be okay.

But that wasn’t the case. I remember crying so hard thinking I was already a bad mom. How could I not know what was wrong with my little one. I cried and finally called JB. How dare you leave me here! Come as soon as you wake up! Was most of the message he heard. And of course, he did.

I know now that many moms, first time moms or not, feel that way. You have this baby, this amazing little human being to whom YOU gave birth too. God gave you the responsibility of this little creature and you have no idea how much you love them. Your heart just burst with so much love, that at that point I knew. I was single. And damn it, that’s why you get married first, before having kids. You fall in love with a man before having children, because the brutal truth, and it is great, you will never love a man like you do your child. Period.

And I have loved Joey. I have cried many times because I have been tested. I don’t cry because being a mom, a single mom is that hard. No, I have shed tears because I second guess myself. I doubt myself and think, wow, I suck at this.

But then I remember how much he loves me. How Joey always looks for me. How he loves my hugs, my food, how he now says, “Love ya Mama.” So I know I’m not a failure. I’m only two years into molding him and loving him.  I don’t believe in tough love. I just believe in love. I love that I finally can breathe as I watch Joey explore. I know he may fall and get hurt from time to time, he will cry when I say no, but he will learn. I will have to run faster if he runs to danger, but I will hold him tight when I catch him.

I finally let my son explore his life after crying and knowing that I cannot protect him from everything. And I truly believe he is enjoying every second of it. My little monkey.

Exploring and loving life.

Exploring and loving life.


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